How to Train Your Brain to Date Better

The word framing is everywhere. With the election, we hear how candidates need to "frame the issue better." At work, our boss tells us to "frame the problem differently." While I'm listening to a guided meditation, the voice of Andy Puddicombe, an ex Buddhist monk, soothingly tells me, "A big part of [meditation] is how we frame the exercise. By changing your outlook, the mind softens." So I thought, OK, if framing is such a powerful force, how can we leverage it in the world of dating?

I turned to Helen Fisher, Ph.D., author of Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love and an authority on the intersection of neurons and Cupid. "The brain is always framing," she says. "It's always modifying itself to see this way or that." As part of her research, Fisher recruited people who said they're madly in love, hooked them up to MRIs, and scanned their brains. She found that the nucleus accumbens and the ventral tegmental, or the brain's "rewards centers," lit up and unleashed dopamine. It is visual proof that when we're infatuated, we're literally drunk on love. As a result, we're also less prone to logic and reason.

We can thank evolution for this ability to focus on the giddy, so-in-love feeling and block out (almost) everything else. From a biological perspective, "the most important thing we do with our lives is to find a mating partner—to send our lineage to the next generation," says Fisher. "So the brain is built to overlook things." Scientists suspect that this positive framing stems from a chunk of the brain called the medial prefrontal cortex, which Fisher describes as "a brain region that's linked with positive illusions.'" It also makes us less likely to notice or care about someone's faults.

How can we use this to our advantage? Fisher gives an example from her own life. "For years, I went out with a man who was really slow. He talked slowly, walked slowly, responded slowly. It drove me crazy," she says. But then something changed. She realized that this very slowness gave him the patience to read Shakespeare, talk fluently about Plato, and truly appreciate a painting—all traits she was attracted to. "I reframed it," Fisher says. "I told myself, Yes, he's walking really slowly, but this very slowness has created someone who's willing to read 700 pages of The Magic Mountain." In other words, our brains are malleable. We're not stuck with first impressions—and that means even a not-so-amazing first date could turn into a meaningful relationship, if we let it.

"Reframing is very powerful," says Wendy Suzuki, Ph.D., a neuroscientist at New York University and author of Healthy Brain, Happy Life. "I use it all the time. When you say something positive, and you do it again and again, you're reframing the thoughts that run through your mind." So, before a date, it can be as simple as swapping I'm probably not going to have a great time for I might have a great time. It's a small tweak that shifts our mind-set from expecting failure (and hoping not to be disappointed) to anticipating a positive outcome (and knowing it's not the end of the world if the guy's a dud).

The best way to reframe, according to meditation instructor Aaron Dias, is to focus on mindfulness—a term that gets tossed around a lot these days but rarely in the context of dating. This means "being able to sit across from someone—it could be a first date—and to be fully in that person's presence. To really notice him. This helps take away all these frames, and it gives you access to a greater, deeper experience," says Dias. "Maybe you're on the date thinking, Oh, I wish he didn't chew so loudly. Those judgments come from the frames you get from society. Being mindful lets you see the person for who he is."

Fair enough. But easier said than done, no? Dias says toning down the judginess is possible, but that we have to get in the right mind-set before the date. Her suggestion: Practice with a close friend. Sit across from him or her and "notice every time your mind wanders to your phone, and then gently bring the mind back. Keep an open curiosity." You can also practice in other parts of your life. If you're eating a cookie, close your eyes and really think about how it tastes, the texture, the way it feels against your tongue. Do this enough, even with the little things, and eventually your mind will become more adept at staying in the moment…even on a date.

Careful, though. Once we've opened ourselves up to the positive—everything is great! We're falling so hard!—sometimes we need a reality check. Judson Brewer, Ph.D, a neuroscientist and the director of research at the University of Massachusetts Center for Mindfulness, warns that "positive frames and reframes can be temporarily helpful," but they have the potential, if we're not careful, to blind us to reality. "If you're on a road trip, and your tire has a leak in it, how helpful is it to tell yourself, Oh, it's only a small hole? You can reframe all you want, but you still need to plug the hole."

I get it: It's important to train ourselves to see the good but not at the cost of totally ignoring the not so good. Brewer suggests that the real brain-hack is to teach ourselves to see our dates clearly. When we first start seeing someone and are in the infatuation phase, research (like Fisher's) has shown that the brain amps up the levels of dopamine, which is linked with pleasure. But those love chemicals will eventually stabilize. "As my mom used to say when I first started dating someone, Don't talk to me for three months,'" Brewer says. "And if I was still dating her in three months, then she'd want to know the girl's name."

At first blush, this sounds like the most depressing advice: When you first fall in love, don't listen to your heart. But that's not the lesson here. The bigger picture: Go ahead and get excited the next time you have an amazing online date—but don't go home and delete your whole profile. And if date one turns into date two, and date two turns into date three, remember that eventually the brain's negative biases will kick in, and his faults will be magnified. Scared? Don't be. Every relationship goes through this phase, and just as you're starting to see who he really is, you're coming into focus for him too. When your brains process these clearer images and you still want to be with each other—well, congratulations, this might actually have potential. If you want to frame it that way.

Jeff Wilser is the author of the upcoming book The Good News About What's Bad for You…and the Bad News About What's Good for You. Twitter at@jeffwilser.__More from Glamour: __